Well-To-Do Thuggery


The following is a guest post by Richard Lowery, Jr.


I would like to suggest that some precincts of the Left are sometimes at home with the right kinds of violent political protest.  Examples abound such as the hygiene challenged Occupy Wall Street activists or the spittle emitting 2011 Wisconsin protesters that caused millions of dollars in property damage.  Or the Black Lives Matter folks and their fellow travelers who exhibit a tendency of trashing neighborhoods.  Or college campuses where conservative speakers are shouted down.   These activities are often accepted by the liberal intelligentsia and rationalized by “mainstream” media outlets.   If “correct thinking” partisans engage in bad conduct, then it might be under-reported or presented in a sympathetic manner.


“…single payer health care advocates burned down five city blocks in an understandable and reasonable reaction to the misguided GOP opposition of a proposed law mandating that Catholic Churches must install free condom dispensing machines in confessional booths…”


Media pooh-bahs just do not seem overly troubled by misbehavior on the Left.   But if a couple tea party guys wearing NASCAR hats loudly clear their throats at a Democratic Party political event, then we get headline news reprimanding their conduct, disparaging their viewpoints and lamenting that they reside within our solar system.   The New York Times Magazine might do a major exposition profiling angry white guys who keep shot guns handy so they can blast away at UFO’s that might appear at any moment.  The article will describe a few people like Joe Bob McSlob from Lost Cove, Tennessee or Larry who lives in a cave in Wyoming.  Both had declined interviews for the news story by shooting at the reporter when she stepped on their property.  But no worries, the Times can extrapolate out the political philosophy of these two guys to represent the views of millions of people some of whom may not even be angry. The benefit of reading the N.Y. Times is that they tend to get things wrong, so just like George Costanza, if I do the opposite of the Times first inclinations, then I usually end up hunky dory; hence, I owe much to the Gray Lady because she helps me to keep my bearings as I navigate through life.


Strangely, left wing thugs are culturally celebrated vapidly with things like Che Guevara paraphernalia.  Interviews with aging past hippies – now living comfortably in upper middle class neighborhoods – will contain wistful memories of 1960’s raucous anti-war demonstrations that helped usher in the Khmer Rouge regime in Cambodia which implemented an equalitarian worker paradise that included the pesky by-product of murdering 2 million Cambodians.   In some quarters the violent 1968 Chicago Democratic Party Convention is put on equal footing with the 1789 Philadelphia Constitutional Convention.   Meanwhile, the goons at WikiLeaks have informed us that Democratic campaign operatives – not rogue elements, but campaign operatives - bused in thugs to cause riots at Mr. Trump’s rallies and I get the impression that many on the Left are untroubled by this because – ceteris paribus – Mr. Trump must be prevented from winning at all costs.

So I guess that we can be OK with political violence – as long as it is instigated for the right issue; hence, pick a liberal cause, get a mob of your friends together and hit the streets.

But, I have to think that most Americans are a bit rusty with their rioting skills and we may need to freshen them up a bit.   Now, if the tenured purveyors of nonsense - known as college professors - have determined that you are a member of the “lower classes”, then I recommend that you read the definitive book by the Englishman Pugs Stenchworth called: “Piss Off!   A Soccer Hooligan’s Guide to Bashing in the Brains of Bloody Wankers“.   But if the professoriate got together at one of their taxpayer funded sabbaticals and decided that you are a member of the “upper classes”, then for someone occupying your social strata there is a dearth of good mob violence reference material that is available.   During the French Revolution it was rumored that Phillipe LaSmelle de Odor was writing an authoritative tract on aristocratic disruptive behavior skills in large group settings, but unfortunately he was caught dozing off during one of Robespierre’s ten hour assembly speeches so he got scheduled for a mandatory appointment with the guillotine and never got to finish his book.

Given this situation, I henceforth have put together the following thoughts for my wealthy liberal friends who are compelled to riot to make the world a better place.

Dress for success. You want to feel comfortable while trashing your neighborhood but at the same time remember that people will be watching and the last thing that you want is a bunch of loose talk at the club about a wardrobe faux pax. This past spring’s fashion designs have some really great loose fitting stylish options with cleverly integrated pocket space to allow ample stolen good storage while giving you the sophisticated look of a fashionable thug.  Quick recommendation: Go with a natural fiber like a high grade linen that will breathe so you will stay fresh while scrambling over chain link fences when fleeing from the police.   Also, leave the appliance thievery to others and indulge yourself by stealing something fun.   Personally I think making off with microwave ovens is just so “comportment non raffine” when there are more tasteful robbery options that are available.  My suggestion:  Use this as an opportunity to pillage items for a dinner party.

First, steal the main course since you will need to plunder the other meal components based upon what you have jammed in your swag bag for the entree.   We have seen a proliferation of good quality gourmet meat shops that cater to people with your discriminating tastes.  Go ransack one and I suggest that you steal the ingredients to prepare Foie De Veau Persillade Avec Pommes De Terre.    Calf’s liver should be paler in color than the more mature beef liver so grab the butcher by the lapels of his shirt and shake him in an aggressive manner to ensure that he gives you his choicest cuts.  I like apple wood smoked peppercorn center cut bacon with this recipe.  Again, threaten the terrified shop help with large pieces of cutlery to facilitate the appropriate fulfillment of your requests.


Next, try knocking over a good quality vegetable stand where you can bully the proprietor by repeatedly dunking his head in a barrel of pickling brine until he agrees to turn over his finest produce.  Also, it might be useful to pelt the employees with melons as you scream your demands so that you receive the proper service that you deserve.  For the salad I recommend you plunder arugula, dried apricots and pistachio nuts.   Steal some Spanish olive oil, cider vinegar and lemons for the dressing.  Don’t forget to jam into your pockets some red potatoes and Sonoma brown mushrooms for your veal dish.  Threaten the shopkeeper one more time for good measure to ensure that he has provided you with his freshest product.  Your dinner guests will thank you.


Now on to the wine.  Break into a good liquor store ahead the main mob of your fellow looters to allow access to a wider availability of choices.  (You would not want to serve your guests something you ransacked that did not go well with their repaste.  LOL!!)  Most higher end wine store owners are very knowledgeable and can be a great resource for suggesting the right drink to compliment your meal.  Explain to him what you will be serving and listen attentively to his suggestions.   You should thank him, politely strike him over the head with a blunt object and swipe what you need.   Then torch the place.

So there you have it - the makings of an exclusive meal worthy of a wealthy and well-bred ruffian who enjoys the tasteful things in life.  So I say huzzah to my rich liberal friends living in their safe gentrified neighborhoods who answer the call to riotous arms because by following the above suggestions you can accomplish anarchic political expression, social disorder and throw a great dinner party all at once.  Just do me one favor.  When you send out invitations for your dinner affair, please invite Larry from Wyoming.  For cripes sake the guy lives in a cave and needs a decent meal once in a while.


Frightfully Yours,


Richard J. Lowery Jr.