The following is a guest post by Richard Lowery.
I was half listening to National Public Radio on my drive home the other day and the smooth sounding NPR voice coming out of my car’s speakers informed me that Secretary Clinton was campaigning with Senator Sanders somewhere up in New Hampshire. The NPR person approvingly explained to me that this dynamic duo promised more free stuff to a youthful crowd of onlookers in an effort to convince the 20-somethings that they should take a-liking to Mrs. Clinton. All these young folks are really fond of President Obama and they flocked to the voting booths in 2008 and 2012 to cast their ballots for him. So the 70+ year old curmudgeonly socialist Senator stood next to the former Secretary of State, U.S. Senator, First Lady, E-mail Server Entrepreneur, Shady Cattle Futures Trader and Philandering Husband Empoweror to instruct voters in their early 20’s that the 68 year old Mrs. Clinton was really cool and would do just as good a job as President Obama which means that many of these young people will get to remain unemployed. Plus - the free stuff - they will receive more free stuff. So please young people - said the two old people - please interrupt your posting of things on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever other App you are using and come out this November to vote for Hillary.
The TV was on last night and one of the cable new shows was interviewing some Trump campaign people who said that Mr. Trump would make things a lot better. The voices coming out of the TV said that Mr. Trump would not let American companies leave America anymore and that tremendous new trade deals would be negotiated and he was an awesome businessman and he was not going to let jobs leave the U.S anymore. There was even a clip of Mr. Trump who said something like, “I am not going to let jobs leave the U.S. anymore.” No one told me how the companies would be prevented from escaping out of the U.S. – maybe Mr. Trump would lock all the nation’s windows so that after we go to bed at night the companies cannot sneak out of their second floor bedrooms, shimmy down the gutter and run across the border. It is my understanding that these critical details would be worked out later by the Famous Real Estate Mogul, Casino Developer, Eminent Domain Aficionado, Vapid T.V Personality and Nonveteran who Experienced his own Personal Vietnam by Sleeping with Other Men’s Wives in the NYC Upper East Side V.D. Battleground. Everyone just stay where you are and let Mr. Trump – who is the only person that can save us – do his thing and the jobs will descend upon us all. And throw Ivanka-Care and some more free stuff on top of the pile too.
Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Trump are really the same type of candidate. They are each afflicted with alarming personality disorders and I strongly recommend that they both immediately check into the internationally renowned Psychiatry Clinic at J.W. Goethe University Hospital in Frankfurt, Germany where they can undergo around the clock observation and treatment from some of the world’s leading mental health professionals. But beyond their personal foibles - when you come right down to it - they really do have a similar campaign message, to wit:
Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a candidate of wealth and taste. I am the Centralized Fixer of Things. (1) I implore thee to stand back and watch as I pull strings and levers from the commanding heights of our ever expanding Federal Government Executive Branch to conjure up wondrous solutions to your problems. Behold as I smite:
- the evil rich people
- the rotten foreigners
- fill in the blank with whomever else needs to receive a good smiting
- all of the above
And allow me to magnanimously bestow gratuities upon thee - paid for by others - courtesy of my benefaction. You may thank me later at your convenience.
One candidate promises bread and circus. The other candidate promises circus and bread.
Richard J. Lowery Jr.
- The Clinton campaign may take umbrage with this statement and might insist that it be amended to “I am a candidate of wealth redistribution and taste.”